ADHD is a chronic condition marked by persistent inattention, hyperactivity, and sometimes impulsivity. ADHD begins in childhood and often lasts into adulthood. As many as 2 out of every 3 children with ADHD continue to have symptoms as adults.
Things were going fine at my new job for a little more than a year. A departmental reorganization, however, left me with one more portfolio than I was used to. As it turned out, it was one more portfolio than I could handle.
Things started to fall apart. Slowly at first, then with dizzying speed.
In adults, the main features of ADHD may include difficulty paying attention, impulsiveness and restlessness.
I don’t remember one particular deadline that precipitated the collapse, but I know what project it was. That much I do remember.
At this point, I knew things were starting to spin out of control, but I, in my infinite hubris, thought I could rein it back. Nobody needed to know I was struggling.
Self-esteem rises steadily over time, with a peak at around age 60. This generality does not hold true for all adults with ADHD, for whom self-confidence and self-esteem actually decrease as they grow into middle age and approach retirement. These aging adults experience a sense of frustration and underachievement.
I started working a half hour early. Then 45 minutes. Then an hour.
I got no closer.
Logging in for a while in the evening, while watching tv.
Not enough.
Maybe an hour or two on the weekends.
Any incremental progress I made was more than wiped out by unexpected projects, the kind that pop up at every job.
It was around this same time that I started noticing that I was spacing out. I don’t know if I was spacing out more or if I was just more aware of it, but the busier I got and the more pressure I felt, the more I found my mind wandering.
I would be typing something for one project, but my brain would start thinking about the next project. Or the one after that. Or the grocery list I needed to make. Or a million other scraps of thoughts floating around my head. I’d be in the midst of sending an email – not writing, sending, and stop to open up another file and start working on that. It wouldn’t be uncommon for me to have 10 browsers open at once.
I had a very bad psychology professor in college who said one thing that stuck with me. You can’t concentrate on more than one thing at a time. You certainly can’t pay attention to three projects simultaneously.
Details got missed. Projects took longer to complete. I fell further behind. I tried to work faster. Details got missed. Projects took longer, I fell further behind.
Difficulties caused by ADHD symptoms can cause you to feel stressed, and stress can make those symptoms worse
Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (CHADD)
The first time I admitted to my supervisor I was overwhelmed was during a meeting over missing a deadline for the aforementioned project. I finally admitted I had too much work on my plate and I was struggling. I said that the additional portfolio was too much. My workload was out of balance.
She offered to help me prioritize my projects.
I really don’t know what she was thinking. Maybe she really thought she was offering to help me. Maybe she was under pressure from above and this was her way of trying to keep all the plates spinning at once. I’d like to give her the benefit of the doubt.
But in the moment it sounded like she was offering to tell me which projects were most important to get done before my mental collapse.
Message received.
The Riders of Rohan weren’t coming. I was on my own.
***
The end came six months later. Six months of treading water, keeping what I thought was one step ahead of the law, fooling myself into thinking nobody noticed.
It came with a phone call, which sounds cruel and unprofessional, but it was a mercy. I did not want to suffer the humiliation of cleaning out my desk, handing in my badge and keys and being walked out the door.
I don’t remember the conversation, but I remember enough to know that it lasted less than five minutes and I said fewer than 10 words.
I also remember how I felt when I hung up the phone.
I felt for the first time in a year and a half like I could breathe. It was as if I had shed six layers of cold, wet clothing. I could actually see a future that held more than just frustration and futility.
After a year and a half, I was free.
Free and unemployed.
Postscript: Man, that sounds like a bunch of self-indulgent whining, and maybe it was. But that wasn’t my intent. I wanted to pinpoint the moment I went from ‘I’ve got ADHD symptoms. Huh, weird.’ to ‘There’s something very wrong with me that is negatively impacting my future, and the future of people I love.’
Gong forward, this isn’t going to be about my ADHD, at least not completely. But it is about me, and I’ve learned that it’s impossible to talk about me without including ADHD in the conversation.
Bob Recotta Communications 
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